when the silver lining turns black

i've been trying to write interesting things lately, but this is going to be for pure venting purposes. if i don't get some of this frustration out, i think i'll burst.

i've always heard that one of the worst things you could do to a person was to take away his/her hope. i've come to agree.

i feel completely hopeless at the moment. for you non-law school people, here is some background. law students get jobs a long time in advance of actually graduating. for instance, judicial clerkships are awarded in september or october and start in august. many big firms offer their summer associates jobs during september of their last year of law school, and they start in august. so the pressure is on right now to have a job. and i don't have one. and i don't feel like i'm going to get one. i've posted resumes to the job sites, i've gone to career services, i've sent out resumes. nothing. i have pretty decent grades so i really should have a job. i think everyone else in the same percentage of the class i'm in has a job, and a good one at that. i don't even have any leads on one.

it's not only the frustration and the worry about having to pay bills ($500/month for the next 10 years for law school loans--what a waste! and damn it, i want a house). i feel cheated. i have worked my ass off in school since i can remember. i do all my homework, i read and read and read. i don't go out partying, i don't take much time off. i have been determined to do well. and now, almost 20 years after i started this process, i'm coming to an end. and where has all the effort gotten me? no where. i have absolutely nothing to show for it. so, in essence, my entire life has been wasted. all the times i have done homework instead of watching television, or refrained from going to a party because i had a paper. or not spending time with my family because i had to study for a final. all a big waste.

add to all of this the fact that i am anal retentive and like to plan. i can't plan. i don't know where we will be living after july. i don't know how we are going to pay our bills. i don't know anything. i hate it. all i can do is worry about what's going to happen.

it all seems completely pointless.

sorry for the bitching post. i just needed to vent.